if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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