i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
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