Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
