i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
