i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
my being single is dangerous.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
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