I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
I'm always down for nudity.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
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