After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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