Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Randomize
