I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
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