so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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