i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
