Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
I could have mohawked her pubes.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
