The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Randomize
