I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
