Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
