It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
