Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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