If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
