Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
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