It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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