I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
mondays should just be called national damage control day
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
