I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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