I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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