I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
