meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Just fell off a train. Bad.
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
