Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Randomize
