help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
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I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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