I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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