My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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