You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
