i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
