Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
