I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
where am i from again
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
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