Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Randomize
