i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Randomize
