life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
