you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Randomize
