if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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