I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Randomize
