I think my fart just growled at me.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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