Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
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