My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
