My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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