why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Randomize
