i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
