I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
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