I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
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