I cannot find my penis.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
my sisters under your porch take her home
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Randomize
