You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
God, you're like boner-b-gone
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
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