Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Randomize
