Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
