I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
