i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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