between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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