I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
