Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
