i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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